Today is my birthday, I am 23 years old.

Two days ago I was in the room when my grandmother took her final breathe. Understandably, I don’t feel like celebrating very much.

23 feels very much like 22 just with the added stress of trying to grieve for someone you were close too, help others sort out the funeral arrangements and try your hardest not to self-harm.

One emotion I’ve come across lately in the last couple of days is how lost I feel. My Grandma was my rock – the person I leaned on for support, the person I spoke to about my father. She was the woman that I admired and loved who never judged me for being slightly crazy and dealing with my emotions in an unhealthy way.

Whilst her death was so sudden and unexpected for us all as a family, I am grateful that I was by her side the whole time and that she passed away both peacefully and with those who loved her dearly by her side.

I am trying my hardest to carry out as normal (whatever that means) and do all the things that I know my Grandma would’ve wanted me to do on my birthday but I just want to sleep. I’m lost and empty and I’m not sure how to even begin to focus on the events I have coming up like returning home and back to work.

I know I need to focus on the twenty-four hours ahead of me and leave everything else.